Since I have left corporate on this journey my whole routine is changed. And more so when I decided to stop hiding about this whole range of eating disorders I continue to battle. My days have become more like nights and vice-versa, writing either from home or a place a stones-throw away when I need to be out.
I have always found my brain seems to release it’s more intricate pathways once the sun has set, but after a full days work the only choice is to rest the body to give another 100% the next day. So I’ve been getting less sleep and yesterday was a battle of my will versus exhaustion. Tiredness has always been a trigger for me, my will power weary from battle. Perhaps this compounded the failure factor.
This is what the cycle is like: “I have been eating my newest ‘safe-food’ but not enough for fear of the mental crusade that follows (more on this safe-food later). So yes, went to the shop after attempting go out and write in my usual quiet spot up the road from my house, but found a Friday night was too busy and I was just too tired to withstand the onslaught of invaders in my space.
I stopped by the local shop and fell into the ever-present trap. I bought a range of flavours of crisps, rushed home and first ate what I call my ‘base food’ (a safe-food that can begin to digest while I eat another food that I know I cannot).
Then I sat and watched series and munched on crisps, finding that I was full before the 40-minute-mark when I start to feel it all needs to come out. Then I went to my ever-bleached-clean toilet bathroom and used my tool, an old toothbrush. I started using a tool only about 2 years ago after talking to someone close to me who also had/has an eating disorder. I had tried before but it was really uncomfortable as I did not have the right shape object.
This morning I could see the subtle differences that most people do not notice: puffy eyes and general water retention my the face. It bothers me, but what was worse was knowing that I would have to tell you about it. I have to say that I kind of knew from when I opened my eyes that I would fail, the whole day the plan would pop into my mind, seeing food or even a word from someone would trigger it.
But, the stubborn person that I am, I did not tell anyone but rather left it in left-field, hoping maybe it would not be like that at the end of the day when I knew it was the of-late-imminent time to own up and talk to you.
But despite slipping back down the slope, I have felt lighter in a way because I was not as drained as the day before and that meant, and means, I more chance of succeeding.”
“Thank you my Jesus that Your grace is sufficient for me and you are lifting my up to a better place.” – Monique van der Walt