Before I begin the reality of the last 3 days, you need to know that my silence has not been because I succumbed to my nemesis. I have vanished because I came to an extremely low point of rejection followed by self-induced shame. And once again I was left in the same place that I am always left when I look to human beings as the answer.
In a couple of my lasts posts you may have noticed that there was an outside influence: the below quote and post Is it Him or is it Not. That ‘outside influence’ was in the form of a man, someone that came into my life at my utmost point of vulnerability, when I ‘came out’ and told all of you my truth.
“I don’t see a knife so I’m not a hostage. I see someone beautiful in a trap and has all the keys with her in the cage. It’s just to dark from the inside to find the key hole. I will help you find the key hole on the outside. You need to just give me the right key. I’m with you and I will see to it that where you can’t hold on I’ll catch you. If one rope breaks there are plenty more…we will get you out of this.”
I find myself spending alot of time in thought, refusing to remain stuck in the need to be busy, please others, and a distraction from drilling through my pain and facing this so I can be whole. I trust that God will continue to bring people across my paths so we can heal together.