Autobiography: A Canyon to Begin

Through canyons and over hilltops I will go while on this Autobiography Journey

In the past few weeks I have knuckled down and focused on my autobiography; part of me wants to post everything, but I have realised that it is not the right time for neither you, them nor me.

What I found is that writing from the start is more difficult than writing at peaks of memory or inspiration from a past moment. I have many autobiography excerpts saved in different documents, but I have finally compiled an unedited starting point…

I may be stepping to a canyon, but with God it is well with my soul

Im having memories of forgotten moments of beauty, there is a large mountain still to climb

I can conquer any canyon this autobiography throws at me

Why start at the beginning? That is when everything is still fine and dandy, or at least one thinks so. I don’t think one is supposed to remember being an infant, as it must be quite a disturbing time in one’s life, completely helpless and at the mercy of people that are supposed to have your best interests at heart.

I am unsure of my earliest memory, there’s a blur of pictures but nothing concrete, yet. Snippets have been fading in and out of my consciousness, but my self-defense mechanisms are still in place. All that I am sure of at this point that between the ages of 2 and 4 something caused me to completely block off those years of my life, which I believe is a blessing in disguise.

Autobiography can be a seemingly insurmountable task

I will reach to the depths of my souls canyon, searching for clues

I hide in God’s shelter, He turns my canyon into a place of safety

Since this Autobiography starting point I have penned family personality traits and some background and need-to-knows. I have also touched on a few reference points that tweak the pull to the canyon with an intense reliving of the despair of that circumstance and emotion. I know there will be many a canyon into which my  heart and soul shall fall, but I won’t wander in any canyon for long, I know that God’s got me.

Through the canyons it is well with my soul, God’s got me

Why & Money? For Love & Faith

Out of a the solid Rock of Faith there is epic beauty

People often ask me what I do, how I live like I do. On my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook profiles, I am seen gallivanting all over the country, roadtriping from Cape Town to Durban and, of-late, all over KwaZulu-Natal (KZN).

At the moment my best explanation is “I do it for love” but I think this needs further explanation. To start where this journey began: I had the bulk of my Public Relations training with Caltex (KZN Branded-Marketer), qualified through University of Cape Town‘s online division (GetSmarter) and then most recently an 8-month stint at Hirsch’s in Cape Town.  In September 2016 I realised I needed to follow my path, tell my story, share for a Higher Purpose.

My life changed radically. After a few weeks I packed up my life and headed back to KZN, what I call my true home. I put my flat on the market and within a week my Heavenly Father provided a buyer, the sale approved for next year. I began my search for a farmlife home in the KZN countryside. (Still a God’s work-in-progress)

The fragrance of Natural

Focus in the Labyrinth

Make time, Its worth it

Yes, that’s all very well, but I know most people are curious as to how I can do what I do, on the money side of it. My reply, “God.”

When I decided to take the first step of Faith unconditional love and leave the comfortable corporate salary at the end of the month, I really started to see how God provides down to the smallest detail. Business is brought in for my supporters, mainly my friend Craig who loves me as unconditionally as a human friend can.

When you realize you are so blessed by what you see

Another example is last night. I arrived at Galleria Mall for the I Love Durban (@ILuvDBN) instameet of the “top most influential socialites” of Durban. The last thing I did before I entered the Mall was finally deplete my persevering perfume. A thought raced through my mind, “hmm, that’s going to have to wait a while.”

And well what do you know, I was awarded for being 1 of 2 most active Social Media Influencers and the prize was Lacoste Pour Elle. Even down to the eloquent scent, it’s the type I would have chosen myself, and aptly named “Natural.”

The Love of Creation

My Faith leads me

I am victorious through Faith

In my opinion, its all about Faith. The more I trust and block all doubt by standing on the solid rock of Faith, the more I am provided for, more awesomeness happens, and in-turn, the stronger my faith becomes, and the cycle starts over. It doesn’t matter how big or small a thing it may be, so many God-incidences (or God Winks) its uncanny!

So basically, I have found my passion in many pools of the river. Photography, Nature, PR, community, development. And my entire approach is not money. Financial gain has taken a back seat. My approach is love. Love of Jesus, His Creation in its entirety, and awestruck at seeing how this Love can impact and change a person, a community, a cause, a planet.

Indescribable Love

Lost Boy near Death

So close we came. So close we flew. The lost boy near Death.

I opened my now fully-closed eyes and sat up, ready to scold him for ruining the first moment of peace of my day. But what I saw stopped me mid-sentence; death. His face was purple-blue and his lips a shade of violet. Foam spewed from his mouth and the annoying squeak was the product of his foot pressing against the clutch with the convulsions of his body.

Death fell on the boy’s face, he was lost

I panicked. I was only sixteen, my sheltered church-school upbringing had afforded me no experience in this world and I didn’t know how to drive a car. Within a millisecond countless thoughts hurtled through my subconscious; “Run a few blocks and get help, no I can’t leave him, what if he dies? No I must drive to the hospital. What if I get pulled over or have an accident, then to death he will go because I can’t get him help.”

It didn’t matter, his life was worth the risk. If I saw blue lights or had an accident I would just have to…I don’t know, cross those bridges when I got to them. At least 20 kilograms heavier than me, I did not notice his weight; my adrenaline kicked in and I pulled him, limb by limb, inch by inch, into the passenger seat.

I started the car and stalled numerous times, eventually pulling off and proceeding to swerve wildly all over the abandoned parking lot before heading onto the street. I braked suddenly and glanced at him once again to see if there was any change. He was awake! Disorientated and still decidedly purple, but awake.

The scarred and trapped beauty of a boy near death

We were traveling at only about 20 kilometers per hour and in my moment of thankfulness at his not being dead, I lost concentration and bumped into the back of a parked car.

“Whats going on out there?” came a gruff male voice from a portly man approaching. “Are you drunk?” he demanded.

“No sir, my boyfriend is diabetic, and he needs to get to hospital. I was checking on him and lost concentration.” I offered, it was the first thing that came to mind, my diabetic grandfather, needles…

The man was worried and half carried the semi-conscious boy into his house, muttering something about a police report. Thinking this would involve officers at the scene, I grabbed the drugs from the car, followed them to the house and immediately asked if I could use the bathroom. There I disposed of the heroin.

I can’t remember how much time passed at the house, but when the boy regained his strength we left, the man not perturbed by my inability to produce a licence as there was virtually no damage to his car. I remember walking to the car, sitting down in the passenger seat, my head spinning at what we had just narrowly escaped.

Thank You for the life of this boy. I will honor his death in my life.

To this Boy

I know that you found our Savior before you finally met your death over 6 years ago. I trust that he kept you and you walk free with Him now.

Thank You Father that I had the opportunity to know this precious soul.

Walk free, dear boy, you are no longer lost

Labyrinth Perspective Betrayed

When something unexpected happens do I flight or fight and is either worth it. Most of the time I do not clearly decide to do either and the plan just evolves. That is what’s been happening in my life over the last week or so.

While trudging through many a canyon of deep turmoil I have made wrong choices. All of these have, in the end, worked together for good, but that does not mean they did not happen and I won’t encounter consequences as a result.

The joy of the Lord is my Strength

I recently was betrayed by a person I had considered a trusted ear, leading to uttered thoughts being exposed without context or time frame. At first I wanted to run, ashamed that the twists of my mind’s labyrinth had been laid bare to someone ill-equipped. But then I wanted to fight, incensed at the refusal to consider perspective along with knowledge. And now I want to wait, not “jump the gun” and my labyrinth’s perspective to be broadened.

I climb higher with You

Broadened Perspective

As painful as this last week has been it has once again worked together for good as I have realized I could be thinking too small. My dream is too small. Who I am to enforce limits? And therefore I will once again wait, allowing myself to be lead into a higher labyrinth.

As each day passes I am astounded by the magnitude of our Creator. Whenever I think I have it figured out, I am given a glimpse of what is possible, the depths of all things working together for good. I cannot yet fathom the heights of this realization, the intricacies of His labyrinth. I am released from the pain of being betrayed because once again its in perspective. I forgive and love them. This is part of the Perfect Plan.

Labyrinth's Enlightened Abyss

I cant see out the abyss, but I know freedom is close 

Has it been snatched away, or has it merely changed form yet again?

Was that sprouting seed transplanted only to perish?

Again, the answers lie in my never-ending dialogue with God,

Faith my guiding light

His light the only guide through my mind’s labyrinth.

My thought’s morph into prayers, bouncing ideas and possibilities off the One greater than myself.

All else has paled in comparison, my nemesis and my dream.

I will keep seeking, Your light always chases away my shadows

All that is left is the road to freedom, finding the road of His Will.

From the canyon once again I seek the #PerfectPlan, but this time is different.

This abyss is not as dark, fear no longer such a cumbersome shadow.

This canyon too shall pass – the victory is already  mine

This in itself gives me new hope, courage and kindness.

The stronger my Faith, the terser becomes my battle and the faster my climb.

The victory is already mine.

Trust. Lies. Hurt. Truth. Power. – The Human race

Isn’t strange how the people you think you know the most, end up being the ones you knew the least.

That is going to be my new original mantra.

Trust.

This is something I do way too easily. I am still learning this lesson, as recently as today.

When you first meet someone, colleague, friend, lover, its easy to let them see what you want them to see.

The depth of trust depends on how long the wolf can stay in his sheep’s outfit. 

But nothing can stay hidden forever.

Lies.

The saying, “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” is rubbish. Its generally what we do not know that gets us hurt.

Forewarned is forearmed / Prevention is better than cure, are two much more accurate sayings.

Hurt.

Hurt is a natural reaction to being fooled. Here it is important to not let the hurt be a waste.

Truth.

The saying should be “What they do know can’t hurt them.”

As soon as the wolf’s identity is clear, you will realise how many other disguises have been used in the past.

This is your only defense, your shield.

As soon as you can see the missile incoming, you have the chance to dodge it.

It is sad, in a way that you have to dodge “friendly” missiles all your life.

Power

Know your enemy. I have gone as far as to keep a detailed record of every would-be attack by frenemies.

This is where you become powerful.

I keep referring back to my list, predicting every outcome of  their strategy.

Now the trust, lies, hurt, truth and power has given you two options:

Impenetrable defense.

Stealth mode counter attack.

Such is the human race.

The Lord’s Prayer – Mean it When You Pray It

I cannot say…..

The Lord’s Prayer

“Our” – if I live only for myself.
“Father” – if I do not endeavor each day to act like his child.
“Who art in heaven” – if I am laying up no treasure there.
“Hallowed be thy name” – if I am not striving for holiness.
“Thy Kingdom come” – if I am not doing all in my power to hasten that wonderful event.
“Thy will be done” – if I am disobedient to his Word.
“On earth as it is in heaven” – if I do not serve him here and now.
“Give us this day our daily bread” – if I am dishonest or am seeking things by subterfuge.
“Forgive us our trespasses” – if I harbor a grudge against anyone.
“Lead us not into temptation” – if I deliberately place myself in its path.
“Deliver us from evil” – if I do not put on the whole armor of God.
“Thine is the kingdom” – if I do not give the King the loyalty due him from a faithful subject.
“The power” – if I fear what men may do.
“The glory” – if I’m seeking honor only for myself
“Forever and ever, Amen” – if the horizon of my life is completely bounded by time.

Thanks to khamneithang! What a blessed way to start the day!