In Journeys & Autobiography Memories

Stubborn dewdrops like memories as rolling mist like emotion swoops on Bulwer Mountain – Autobiography’s Journey

If you’re new here, lets do a quick recap of what’s happened thus far…

September 2016 I fired my boss to completely live by Faith, doing whatever I felt God lead me to do. I have always had a deep knowledge that I need to write my autobiography, and from a few simple sentences from a few special people, I took the first step. I also knew that I would never be able to fulfill Gods purpose for my life while working in the corporate world; I needed to tell  my story, heal through helping others.

My long-standing, and frequently spoken distant desire to “move into the bush and grow my own food” became a vital in my moving forward. Sustainable-living and a place of refuge for the broken to heal,  were and perhaps still are plans for the future.

I was in my home town of Cape Town and within less than 2 weeks of resigning, I packed up my flat, loaded what I could in my Hyundai Atos and returned to my beloved KwaZuluNatal. I put my Milnerton flat on the market and God sold it within a week, so began my search for a farm/country house & spacious garden or even completely wild land.

And I have found it in the Southern Drakensberg in my beloved country South Africa. Tomorrow I move in to my new property. For the past 6 weeks I have been renting in Bulwer and cannot wait for my furniture to arrive from the Mother City sometime within the week. God has even provided additional housing & tenants for immediate income! It is almost surreal, its such a dream come true.

But it has most definitely not been all flowers and hearts. In writing my autobiography, I have delved into the deepest canyons of some of my darkest memories, reliving their horror over and over. My last post was one of the most dark, and it has taken me a while to come back here.

I have written about them before in my youth, but this time is different. The horror of those memories is deep and disgusting, but I have a shield and a blanket of comfort in my Saviour. I also know that I am writing from a place of sheer ambition and determination. My accountability to you motivated me, the  hope that someone will take courage in my story drives me to push on.

 

I do not post everything I draft in that file in My Documents called Autobiography Full. I write as I am lead; I pray for inspiration, a memory or a desire to pound my thoughts to page. And I have been reliving so many moments, memories and feelings that have not entered my mind’s labyrinth in years. It it scary and satisfying.

My burdens are lightened because I have found courage in this near perfect part of the world. I have lived in countless areas, cities and traveled worldwide; but somehow here in the Southern Drakensberg, I feel as if I have found my home base and its wonderful.

 

The infrastructure of the village of Bulwer is on the up and up. A Municipality building is being built and within the last 2 months all the telephone poles have been replaced, and new stops signs continue to pop up. Now all we need is a Telkom Exchange for Wifi, I have Faith that it will come soon.

So as I am at yet another huge life event, I thought I would fill you in. My journey is wild, erratic, petrifying, and gloriously incredible thus far.  I am amazed daily at the perfect love and plan Jesus has for me.  Yet, of course I know that there will be more canyons of emotion on my journey. But I also know that God has carried, dragged and rescued me countless times already.

In each passing canyon there is less quicksand, and each verge of Saving Grace is a far greater place than I could ever have imagined.

Autobiography: Epic Journey, Canyons of Memories, Beauty of living by Faith

But as I lift my hands I understand that I should Praise You through my circumstance! – Shackles (PraiseYou) – Mary J Blige

 

 

Autobiography: A Canyon to Begin

Through canyons and over hilltops I will go while on this Autobiography Journey

In the past few weeks I have knuckled down and focused on my autobiography; part of me wants to post everything, but I have realised that it is not the right time for neither you, them nor me.

What I found is that writing from the start is more difficult than writing at peaks of memory or inspiration from a past moment. I have many autobiography excerpts saved in different documents, but I have finally compiled an unedited starting point…

I may be stepping to a canyon, but with God it is well with my soul

Im having memories of forgotten moments of beauty, there is a large mountain still to climb

I can conquer any canyon this autobiography throws at me

Why start at the beginning? That is when everything is still fine and dandy, or at least one thinks so. I don’t think one is supposed to remember being an infant, as it must be quite a disturbing time in one’s life, completely helpless and at the mercy of people that are supposed to have your best interests at heart.

I am unsure of my earliest memory, there’s a blur of pictures but nothing concrete, yet. Snippets have been fading in and out of my consciousness, but my self-defense mechanisms are still in place. All that I am sure of at this point that between the ages of 2 and 4 something caused me to completely block off those years of my life, which I believe is a blessing in disguise.

Autobiography can be a seemingly insurmountable task

I will reach to the depths of my souls canyon, searching for clues

I hide in God’s shelter, He turns my canyon into a place of safety

Since this Autobiography starting point I have penned family personality traits and some background and need-to-knows. I have also touched on a few reference points that tweak the pull to the canyon with an intense reliving of the despair of that circumstance and emotion. I know there will be many a canyon into which my  heart and soul shall fall, but I won’t wander in any canyon for long, I know that God’s got me.

Through the canyons it is well with my soul, God’s got me

Why & Money? For Love & Faith

Out of a the solid Rock of Faith there is epic beauty

People often ask me what I do, how I live like I do. On my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook profiles, I am seen gallivanting all over the country, roadtriping from Cape Town to Durban and, of-late, all over KwaZulu-Natal (KZN).

At the moment my best explanation is “I do it for love” but I think this needs further explanation. To start where this journey began: I had the bulk of my Public Relations training with Caltex (KZN Branded-Marketer), qualified through University of Cape Town‘s online division (GetSmarter) and then most recently an 8-month stint at Hirsch’s in Cape Town.  In September 2016 I realised I needed to follow my path, tell my story, share for a Higher Purpose.

My life changed radically. After a few weeks I packed up my life and headed back to KZN, what I call my true home. I put my flat on the market and within a week my Heavenly Father provided a buyer, the sale approved for next year. I began my search for a farmlife home in the KZN countryside. (Still a God’s work-in-progress)

The fragrance of Natural

Focus in the Labyrinth

Make time, Its worth it

Yes, that’s all very well, but I know most people are curious as to how I can do what I do, on the money side of it. My reply, “God.”

When I decided to take the first step of Faith unconditional love and leave the comfortable corporate salary at the end of the month, I really started to see how God provides down to the smallest detail. Business is brought in for my supporters, mainly my friend Craig who loves me as unconditionally as a human friend can.

When you realize you are so blessed by what you see

Another example is last night. I arrived at Galleria Mall for the I Love Durban (@ILuvDBN) instameet of the “top most influential socialites” of Durban. The last thing I did before I entered the Mall was finally deplete my persevering perfume. A thought raced through my mind, “hmm, that’s going to have to wait a while.”

And well what do you know, I was awarded for being 1 of 2 most active Social Media Influencers and the prize was Lacoste Pour Elle. Even down to the eloquent scent, it’s the type I would have chosen myself, and aptly named “Natural.”

The Love of Creation

My Faith leads me

I am victorious through Faith

In my opinion, its all about Faith. The more I trust and block all doubt by standing on the solid rock of Faith, the more I am provided for, more awesomeness happens, and in-turn, the stronger my faith becomes, and the cycle starts over. It doesn’t matter how big or small a thing it may be, so many God-incidences (or God Winks) its uncanny!

So basically, I have found my passion in many pools of the river. Photography, Nature, PR, community, development. And my entire approach is not money. Financial gain has taken a back seat. My approach is love. Love of Jesus, His Creation in its entirety, and awestruck at seeing how this Love can impact and change a person, a community, a cause, a planet.

Indescribable Love

Labyrinth Perspective Betrayed

When something unexpected happens do I flight or fight and is either worth it. Most of the time I do not clearly decide to do either and the plan just evolves. That is what’s been happening in my life over the last week or so.

While trudging through many a canyon of deep turmoil I have made wrong choices. All of these have, in the end, worked together for good, but that does not mean they did not happen and I won’t encounter consequences as a result.

The joy of the Lord is my Strength

I recently was betrayed by a person I had considered a trusted ear, leading to uttered thoughts being exposed without context or time frame. At first I wanted to run, ashamed that the twists of my mind’s labyrinth had been laid bare to someone ill-equipped. But then I wanted to fight, incensed at the refusal to consider perspective along with knowledge. And now I want to wait, not “jump the gun” and my labyrinth’s perspective to be broadened.

I climb higher with You

Broadened Perspective

As painful as this last week has been it has once again worked together for good as I have realized I could be thinking too small. My dream is too small. Who I am to enforce limits? And therefore I will once again wait, allowing myself to be lead into a higher labyrinth.

As each day passes I am astounded by the magnitude of our Creator. Whenever I think I have it figured out, I am given a glimpse of what is possible, the depths of all things working together for good. I cannot yet fathom the heights of this realization, the intricacies of His labyrinth. I am released from the pain of being betrayed because once again its in perspective. I forgive and love them. This is part of the Perfect Plan.

Labyrinth's Enlightened Abyss

I cant see out the abyss, but I know freedom is close 

Has it been snatched away, or has it merely changed form yet again?

Was that sprouting seed transplanted only to perish?

Again, the answers lie in my never-ending dialogue with God,

Faith my guiding light

His light the only guide through my mind’s labyrinth.

My thought’s morph into prayers, bouncing ideas and possibilities off the One greater than myself.

All else has paled in comparison, my nemesis and my dream.

I will keep seeking, Your light always chases away my shadows

All that is left is the road to freedom, finding the road of His Will.

From the canyon once again I seek the #PerfectPlan, but this time is different.

This abyss is not as dark, fear no longer such a cumbersome shadow.

This canyon too shall pass – the victory is already  mine

This in itself gives me new hope, courage and kindness.

The stronger my Faith, the terser becomes my battle and the faster my climb.

The victory is already mine.

Labyrinth's Bridge

I must wait, journey first down my mind’s labyrinth. There I will find the answer to crossing this bridge

The past three days has seen me journey down yet another boulevard of dreams, discovering there is so much more to my labyrinth, my path, my higher calling.

I found myself in that void where glass-house clarity shines through and I stand at new type of bridge. I realised it is not my choice whether or not to cross. I must hold back, listen, watch, wait. I am certain of is that if I force my way over the divide I will fall.

I must persevere down further avenues of my mind’s labyrinth, guided only by the faith in this higher purpose. I will wait for God to take my hand and lead me into the uncharted waters that lie ahead.

Fear of the losing the stability of familiarity and dogma threatens my resolution of trust, and a compulsion to turn back assaults my subconscious.

The magnifying glass shall fall where it must

But determination to persevere towards my purpose has always been a sword in my hand, my Shield of Faith, completing my suit of armor. As I proclaim this strength and protection I am blessed with further glass-house clarity, both of past and of future.

I feel lighter, more free. Yet as I piece together elements of myself, others and hunt for answers in the early years of my life, I know that dark places also lie ahead. Discovering the truth will lead to murky canyons, shadowy tunnels and the deep place of melancholy to which I do not often go.

 

 

But I know that my Father will never let me go, He has given me all I need to climb from the bottomless chasms that await me. That place of wholeness through forgiveness and love that I feel when I ground myself in faith in the His Perfect Plan.

“More often than not you cannot see over the fence. Persevere. You will find that void that will set you free”

I wait in perfect peace for guidance of Labyrinth’s Bridge

#Roadtrip Labyrinth: Cape Town to Durban & Beyond

After 16 hours on the #Roadtrip – This is the most honest photo I have ever taken of myself

Before #Roadtrip

Five days ago I left my home town of  Cape Town to return to Durban and search the greater Kwazulu-Natal area for my farm.

“Farmward and Upward”

My true friend Craig flew down from his home town of Durban North, I collected him at Cape Town International Airport at 21:30 on Tuesday 18 October 2016 and we began the 1644 kilometer journey across South Africa.

My luggage included my pet: Papillon (cat) and Champignon (hairy-back tarantula whom I did not mention before as the Western Cape Province of South Africa prohibits such exotic pets, but Kwazulu-Natal allows them.

I documented and shared on social media the entire #roadtrip journey of 18 hours 12 minutes. From the dark passages of roadway leaving the Western Cape to the sunrise through the Karoo, on to the flat plains of the Free State and lastly the lush and tropical Kwazulu-Natal countryside, ending on the East Coast in Glenashley, Durban North. (Check out #RoadTrip from the beginning on Twitter)

Over 3 days, prior and during the #roadtrip, I only managed to get 7 hours sleep, the excitement and mind-labyrinths were too intense for sleeping. The last 5 days since arriving in Durban have been of recovery and rest. I have also been further exploring every silk avenue of web weaving an intricate pattern in my subconscious, often feeling  overwhelmed.

The person I took into my home before leaving Cape Town, my first patient in my rehab trial, is doing well. I set him up with a basic smart-phone for all-day Whatsapp contact and once-daily he goes to a local internet cafe to Skype video-call. He has also acquired a casual job, his hope growing into purpose with the idea of farming, healing and freedom.

However I find myself being extremely cautious of becoming any more emotionally involved, as it proves to be a distraction from my goal. My prayer now is for focus. Last night I spent hours seeking God, praying for further direction and freedom from this sense of doubt and fear that I have journeyed down the wrong vein of the labyrinth.

“Keep going, keep pushing through. I have given you all you need for this, don’t lose sight of what I have set before you.”

An intense feeling of relief flooded over me, knowing that this is all part of the #PerfectPlan for my life and for others. This is not about stats, impressions or likes, not the first patient and definitely not me. This is about something bigger, a #HigherCalling a #PurposeDrivenLife.